Coretta Jean’s Blog

Sometimes I get mad because I am not where I'd like to be.

I understand that i have another year of school left... And I love my apartment... It's great. I am comfortable and formidable and happy... But I am bored sometimes.

Truth be told.

Tonight I hung out with my friend Britney from Semester At Sea... It was good to see her again.... It was good to catch up on things with someone who knew exactly what I had gone through. Something I feel like no one can understand unless they were there.... Too many people asking me that lame ass question "Which was your favorite country?" because they don't know what to say.

I had a dream a couple of days ago where someone told me "You've changed since I last spoke to you. Where is the Coretta I used to know. I don't know you anymore." Someone I haven't spoke to since before the voyage... It's weird... And it's true. I am different. what people don't understand is that while I was away I did have a great time, but I also saw things that crushed me and I learned things that hurt me. The world is a very big place. Get out and see it.

It's very different.

I'm not done with it. I have much more to see myself.

Cali 96

Every year in a girls life there comes a time when she becomes a year older. A year wiser, a year of more beauty, a year of more life lessons, and unfortunately (in my opinion) another year of being single and or dating. Don't get me wrong... there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating. It's fun, and it's interesting meeting new people and finding things in common with others and learning from someone you never thought in your right mind would ever bring things to light. BUT... This time of year is a very pivotal and important... I can't stress how important this is for a man to show up to the table with his guns drawn.

I'm talking about birthday presents!!!

Why the shit is it that every chick I know has dated some loser ass guy at some point, who opted not to buy a birthday present or simply "forgot" the importance of that entire day. Or worse... chose to reward himself on your day with a present that is clearly not for you!

What a freaking bonehead.

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In the past I've had some good ones and bad ones. I received everything under the sun... From Diamond Saphire Earrings to nothing at all... Not even a card! It's strange... It's like they either try really hard or they fail miserably because they didn't try at all?!? My friend who brought about this whole fiasco blog said to me "But what about your boyfriend from last year, you said he didn't get you anything!" But... Oh contraer mon freer... Jared was not my boyfriend, lol. And if he wanted to be... He probably would have got me a gift... But he didn't. He did buy me drinks though... So he kinda made that clear then and there if at no other time I didn't understand. And yet... she was confused because her boyfriend didn't even care enough to say "happy birthday" at all to her... He said "Well everyone else was telling you."

Dumbass.

I am not talking about myself here really... even though my birthday did just pass... And contrary to whatever you have "heard"... I do not in any form have a boyfriend... Do not refer to whomever you see me with as my boyfriend, because... as much as they'd like that to be true... I am simply just not interested.

More over... Why don't men treat our relationships like jobs or internships. You show up and you work hard... Not always the case with dating. It's more like... Sometimes they show up... Sometimes they work hard... Sometimes they care about getting the job done... Other times they don't give a rat's ass... Like you're some kind of doorman. Don't be a doorman ladies... I've been there... And it is not fun! ha ha. Uh Uh... Wrong!

It's like a told Mary the other day "If you wanna make the big bucks, then you gotta work hard!"

And I am making supreme cheddar over here!

LG Vu

My cell has finally run it's course... Well actually it's in pretty damn good shape for being two years old, but it's time for my phone to take the dirt nap. Move over old phone... Let's make room for a new one.

I had my options you know, and I think I have chosen wisely with the new 2008 LG Vu from Cingular (of course). It's pretty cool you know. I was gonna buy the new iPhone, but I heard it sucked... Well how bad could the iPhone really suck though? ha ha. Anything is an upgrade from a phone that turns off when it shuts... and it's a freaking flip phone. Ghetto... I think ultimately if I were to buy the iPhone I would be buying it soley for it's name and to be able to pull it out and say "Oh look at my iPhone... I'm so fabulous" but no one really gives a shit. Plus it's expensive and I already have a perfectly good working iPod that doesn't deserve to be tossed to the side after it's hard and expansive work. Besides the Vu has everything the iPhone does, except iTunes... Instead they have a different music program version... But I am unsure about the memory capabilites... But like I said I won't be using it for music really... I just want to be able to have as many Three 6 Mafia ringtones as I possibly can, lol.

Zebra Case

What really sold last night was the fact that I can purchase this awesome Zebra hard case for my phone... And you know how I feel about Zebra Print.

Just watch it... It's pure magic. Thank You Three 6 once again.

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Things I do almost without fail, while at the airport:

1.       Eat: I always tend to buy the overpriced food they serve at the airport. I figure as much as your being put out and uncomfortable and tired, might as well feed myself a good fatty meal.

2.       Talk loudly on my cell phone: Yeah, that’s me… I’m that person. But in my opinion it doesn’t matter how quietly you try to talk, someone is always listening.

3.       Miss my flight… I’d say about half the time, I have to be rebooked, redirected, or delayed.

This trip was no exception. I won’t bore you with the mundane details but yeah I missed my flight out of Denver to LA. I guess I might have been whining to myself about it, silently grumbling under my breathe about how it wasn’t my fault…

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But in all reality, it was my fault. Shit always happens, I should have known better… Should have left for the airport a good 12 hours in advance, lol. But the exterminator came by to talk to me (of which was of dyer need to speak to him), then my landlord came by, then I missed my bus, then some dumbass took my bag instead of his own when I got off the bus at the airport, and then I got in the wrong line, and then I got in the right line which was 300 people long, then I missed my second flight by 2 minutes, then the flight was delayed because of lightning, then I died of exhaustion.

Yeah… That’s how things usually go down at the airport for me. Lol

Cali 118

So anyways- I had a pretty fabulous time in LA. I feel like I was there for a month or something, because 10 days at length with no hangovers can feel like a mighty long time. I got to see all of my favorite people and then some. Vanessa & Jocilyn greeted me at the airport with a homemade pimp cup for my birthday, blasting “Let’s Plan A Robbery” in the car. And as promised Vanessa was prompt to take me directly to In & Out for a savory experience. LOVED IT… Like 12 times J

For my birthday Vanessa & Jocilyn took me to Red Robin (YES!) for some burger action, then we went shopping for some 2-3 hours… 2 of which were in Forever White Trash Forever 21. That was about an hour and half too much for me. The stores are so massively spread out in California it makes it pretty easy to get lost or separated from the people you are shopping with. Kind of randomly Eddie ended up showing up later. I say randomly because he said weeks prior that he was coming, but never actually made plans to show up or anything, lol. He texted me in the afternoon while we were eating and said “I’m up by 6 Flags. How far am I from you?” ha ha. It was a good surprise visit though, I missed Eddie.

Cali 113

That night we went out for fancy sushi and Mary joined us. Not much else to say except Vanessa got drunk and ranted on about her boyfriend and or Jocilyn’s for hours on end (sorry Vanessa, you know what happens when you drink, lol.) But it was a very good birthday… I felt very loved, lol.

There was a bunch of other stuff we did… but I forget now, lol.

Oh yeah there was an earthquake… And then life went on.

Later that afternoon Eddie & I went to see The X-Files movie… what a waste of $8. Stupid as stupid can be. Lol. Izzy came later in the week and we continued our fun by travelling up to the beaches and also to Valley Village to see my friend Adam Schor. It was good to see everyone again… Nothing too crazy happened, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m glad that it was just the people that make me happy… Not the drama of having to try to get into clubs or trendy bars or whatever… just good people. It’s weird I guess… There are a lot of people I try to avoid… Like the scientologists who believe we come from planet ZAR TAR or whatever… So strange. I still heart LA… It’s the greatest. I can’t wait to graduate, so I can move there already. I’ll be back again soon… probably for New Years again.

Scoots

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On my lunch break today at work I rode my scooter for the first time... ever!!! Not only is this a first for me on this bike, but a first ever. You see... I wasn't one of those people who broke SAS rules by riding mope heads in Mauritius or India... I just followed the rules like a good student would and didn't dare breaking the honor code, lol. Well maybe it would have done me some good, because I felt like a real baby out there in the parking lot. Just starting the damn thing made me pee my pants.

Now I know that everyone is probably laughing by now... But seriously I swear to you this thing is freaking huge... It's not a vespa, it's about twice the size. Now I know why it requires a motorcycle license to drive.

Nancy started me out on the flat pavement and taught me how the brakes work and how to make turns (in theory of course) and what not to do... Like put your feet on the ground while it's in motion. Mel, the accountant who rides a Harley to work everyday, scared me when he was telling me about how he taught his girlfriend to ride, and how he took her to the church parking lot and made her ride in the grass in case she tried to dump it. I guess she ended up being a fearless rider and never once dumped it, even when he jumped out at her to see what her reaction would be... I initially thought "Wow... I'm gonna be just like that... I'm a freaking rider!!!" Ha ha - Yeah right. Especially since I had the common sense to wear flip flops and not bring my helmet.

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Now as I starred down at the asphalt I pondered what would be my destiny?

Glory??? Bragging Rights??? The Cool Breeze flowing through my hair???

Or death, Scraped Knees, and Bloody Teeth Hanging from my gums???

Although the ride went absolutely perfect... I now give mucho respect to those who hold their balls in the palm of their hands and ride on two wheels... Hell the motorcyclist who ride popin' one-wheelies... Scariest thought imaginable. lol

Can you imagine this face without teeth and a broken nose? I don't know where I get the courage to attempt these things... I don't even have balls, lol.

Highlighter Party

"Since I've come home, well my body's been a mess, and I miss your tender hair, and the way you like to dress. Oh won't you come on over, stop making a fool out of me."
                             -"Valerie", Amy Winehouse

I didn't realize that to survive my twenties I was going to need ninja star training... Or even know the tricks of the trade when it comes to skeezin' by sending submininal messages to people that I am pretending I don't speak to anymore.

Confused????

So Am I!!!

Status Updates... They're tactical.... They're sneaky.

Secretly derived to make people look... Make people think... Make people wonder... Hmmm What is so in so doing?

Fuck that!!! I'm sorry... But I need some normalcy to my life right now. ha ha. And things are finally normal!!!! But... And there is always a but... Today my friend let me know that a little birdy is in town.

It's hard for me. I have feelings for someone and they can't reciprocate it... Although, It's seriously starting to get better.. everyday is a good day... And I'm starting to see things and feel things and think about things that perhaps I didn't see beforehand. It's definitely getting easier. I'm not lonley anymore... I'm happy. No one wants to be with a sad girl... And that I am definitely not. No pity party here- infact no tears to date either. All smiles. All grins... Genuinely.

Of course... deep down inside myself I still have hope, but glimpses and glimmer are dying off. I still remember the man I fell for and the person that I wanted to get to know everyday. I still remember my want to be a better person... And if it's the only positive then ok... He made me be a better person. He made me a stronger person. It's no longer about making things picture perfect... But having things said, and someone to nod their head in agreeance or to disagree with you and set the record straight. Having things unsaid is unraveling and unsettling. I've accepted that he may never answer my daunting letter. It's been months and months since I spoke to him... And I see him online at gmail chat a lot... The anticipation is killing me. It's an uncomfortable silence, and maybe neither one of us wants to say something. I'm somewhat relieved that he hasn't. It's not about being stubborn, it's about respecting someone else's boundaries. Sure I want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him I miss him... But I know better. I already told him, I don't need to say it outloud 16 times in a row. It's already been said, along with the 700 other things I wrote him about. And maybe he wants to say something too, but maybe he knows that if it isn't over the phone, in a letter, or in person it would just makes things worse. Boys are tricky like that. He must have some new lady waiting for him... He must be happy and fufilled in his own life and that being a part of mine is not important or necessary. I hope so for that matter then... I hope the best for him, because he's him.

And not to get too sappy... You know I like to keep things light and fluffy... This is a perfect reflection...

a long time ago...

"So all is fair in love and war??? No

Somethings are harder for some then they are for others. For example: Getting Your Point Across-    I have a problem...

And you would think after reading my blogs that I had no problem with that... not true. In fact it seems the only time I do get my point across is in these blogs... And partly for the reason that the person(s) I'm infatically blasting will never read it. I don't say things for the reaction- I say them because I need to get it out, because I rarely do a live and in person attack. It's not in my nature. But apparently someone does read these... And not everything I have said has been so kind. Someone is always listening.

Sometimes things aren't as clear as you thought they were. Lines are blurred, time is wasted, hearts are broken- But I am a believer that it ain't over until the fat lady sings- And I'm so terribly terribly horribly sentimental on so many levels, because I really do believe that Love does conquer all- Which I just found out makes me more seceptable to a man who will abuse me mentally, verbally, and physically. Something I can agree to for all of the above. But I am unchanging- I can't be cynical- I am sentiment.

I am a believer in last stands. I think it's terribly incredibly magnanimously important to make a last stand, to have the last word, if it's worth it to you... And it's worth it to me. Even if you don't get the big reward at the end. Sometimes it's just important to say how you feel, and don't hold back. God- Even in my last stand I had too much to loose... And not my pride or dignity- My heart. Even if I've said every last word in your mind- If you leave that one thing in your heart out it makes no difference. That you care for and most importantly Love someone so much that when they hurt, you hurt- That you pray for them everyday- That you hope they are happy- And never sad- That they do good things for others and use their power for good not evil- Even though you know they will because they are so sweet and kind and generous and thats why you love them so much.

Risking everything is something we've all got to do- The results could be better than you know... We all do things for different reasons, because you can, or you want to, because something hurts so bad, or feels so good, or that you're too in love to let it go... That's most definitely me."

I risked it all... and I don't regret it.  

10 Over the Rainbow

IZ

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"               - Iris, The Holiday

I keep watching these shows like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives where everything is screwed up but then somehow manages to come together in the end to a happy unconventional ending. That's nice... What about reality though? ha ha.

I got very excited at the idea of coming home and starting over again. Being on the ship that long, away from everyone I know, and everything I love makes you change your point of view... And quite possibly change your outlook on a lot of things. I went into the voyage with a sappy broken heart... I spent time mending it on my own, and came up with conclusions to questions and queries I had been asking myself for a long time. It all seems strange when the answer seems to pop up with no explanation, and you have to keep asking yourself "What took me so long?"

It's exciting and scary at the same time to come back to real life. The everyday, the job, the friends, the apartment, and the next move ahead. I find myself thinking a lot over the last week about where my life is headed. I mean I have a plan and I know what the next step is, but on a personal level I guess.

To be blunt... I'm not dating right now. Now... people say that, but they rarely mean it. But I'm really not. I think it's partially because I am still interested in someone from which my better judgement tells me to turn and run, and also because I am scared of what's on the other end. All my friends seem to be in relationships right now and it's hard for me to hang out from time to time, because I actually feel like it's ME & then THEM. It's nice to have someone to curl up next to at night, but it's easier said then done. I do a pretty bang up job at picking guys that aren't interested in being committed... It's too often that I feel hurt and neglected in many relationships. I don't think I'm needy, because I'm not... But relationships require work and time and effort, and sadly a lot of men I find myself interested in seem to be more interested in everything and everyone. After many relationships end I feel bruised and abandoned and alone, that drives me to dangerous situations like getting drunk and calling people in the middle of the night or drinking bottles of wine alone and singing Love Is A Losing Game on repeat 600 times. Not that I can't have my share of fun and games, but I'm not into thriftless endeavors anymore... Quick flings and momentary fits of passion aren't really enthralling or satisfactory. While I was on the ship I could have done the same, but I kept telling myself that yes I did like people on the ship, but there was someone back home that I loved. I wouldn't exactly say the situation has changed, just that I'm not going to be waiting around holding my breath. I just think at times people don't take things serious enough... We people's feelings are at stake anyway. I just don't think I'm ready right now to get back in the game, at the slight chance that things may end up becoming dark and gloomy again. I'm ok with being single for a while... as I have been (in a real sense of chastity) for the past 6 months.

I figure this much... I'm pretty cool. Now... come ask me that a couple of months ago, and I might have said otherwise, but (giving myself a shameless plug, or a rather heavy and healthy compliment my friend Vanessa told me a few weeks ago) I am smart, and more so wise. If this person I was waiting for isn't brave enough to stand up and make it happen, then hey, let him keep his face buried in the sand... or in the respective bosom of the random chick he's picked up at the bar.

I'm happy again... Or should I say I'm happy still. I'd just like to expand on that maybe, and broaden my horizons.

So... We made this little video on the ship right after finals. I heard this song at some point on the voyage and thought... "Who makes a song about planning a robbery???" Well... Three 6 Mafia does. And they do it with all the class and style of the world.

We litterally made the video in the middle of the night, around midnight until 4:30, before we reached the Panama Canal and my friends Davis and Chris stayed up from 5am - 2pm editing the video. It was one of the most fun experiences of Semester At Sea. The next day we put the video in the "No talent contest" and won first price. It felt pretty good.

Just watch the video it's hilarious. From your director Coretta Jean.